


you should have asked me for it (how could i say no?)

by souhaiite



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-19 09:30:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22475569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/souhaiite/pseuds/souhaiite
Summary: When Kyo leans back, Die's eyes are wide, catching the dimmed lights in the room yet somehow still sparkling like a field of stars. His parted lips look so soft. Kyo's hand shifts from Die's cheek to brush through his hair, those smooth, silky strands falling between his fingers like golden water, before he leans back in and kisses Die on the mouth.The scent of camellias washes over Kyo. Die's lips are so soft, so warm, it's almost like a dream. Kyo curls his fingers in Die's hair, presses his hand back to Die's cheek and leans into him, sucking at his plush bottom lip. It's almost like a dream. Almost.(a series of forehead kisses over the years, from the past to the present — or: ten times die kisses kyo's forehead and the one time kyo got him back)
Relationships: Die/Kyo (Dir en grey)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 40





	you should have asked me for it (how could i say no?)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ladadadi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladadadi/gifts).



> hello hello! this is not the first fic i've finished, but it is the longest so far, so i figured this would be a good first post, hehe. it's a 5+1 style fic with extra bits thrown in between each of the 5 because i can't half-ass anything, honestly
> 
> warning for homophobia (internalized and external), suicidal thoughts/ideation, and a tiny bit of self harm but nothing super explicit. these moments seem more intense in comparison because the fic overall is rather on the lighter/fluffier side!
> 
> title from i still remember by bloc party
> 
> for marie ♥
> 
> _my broken back has carried all  
>  the weight i thought i'd need  
> the normal things i never thought  
> i'd miss are obsolete  
> so if you think it's love, it is  
> and if you think it's trust, it is_  
> ( **if you think it's love** by king princess)

**first: asleep  
** Kyo rouses, frowning, as something drags him back up into consciousness. It takes him a few moments to fully wake, unsure if he even _wants_ to. A familiar, mild floral scent wafts all around him, delicate and pleasant without triggering his allergies. Kyo takes in a deeper breath. He can't pinpoint the exact flower, but it stirs a sense of fond nostalgia for him, memories of lazy, sun-drenched afternoons.

Opening his eyes, Kyo finds his vision obscured by a curtain of long, golden hair. Soft, warm lips press against his forehead. _What...?_

He'd decided to take a nap when his temper had taken a nasty turn and he feels another hot, ugly pulse of anger flare up inside of him all over again. He feels so _small_ all of a sudden. In a way he hasn't been made to feel in a long time, in a way that he hasn't _let_ himself feel in a long time.

"Fuck off," he snarls.

The arm of the sofa beneath Kyo's head depresses beneath the weight of a hand as Die pushes himself up. "Oh! You're awake!" he says. "You were frowning in your sleep, so I..." He sits further back on the couch, awkwardly perched on the edge of the cushion. "I wasn't thinking, I'm sorry."

Kyo glowers at him. Die shifts his weight and toys with one of his bracelets. The metal beads and charms clink together as it spins around his wrist.

" _Don't_ ," Kyo says, still trying to untangle himself from the grip sleep still holds on him. He's not quite sure how he means it; whether he's telling Die not to kiss him again, or if he's telling Die not to apologize for trying to comfort him.

His scowl deepens as he watches Die get up. He... didn't want Die to _go_ or feel like he wasn't welcome, not at all. His gut churns. He rolls over onto his side on the studio couch, curling in on himself as he forces his eyes closed, so he can't watch Die leave him behind. The door closes with a quiet creak and he flinches.

(He sends a message to Die a few hours later after he's gone home for the evening, apologizing for his outburst. Die's response comes quicker than he expected, telling Kyo that it wasn't a big deal and that he wasn't upset. Kyo's stomach churns again, but he sets his phone aside and rolls onto his back, frowning at his bedroom ceiling.)

*

 **one and a half: camellias  
** That morning, the air conditioning unit in Kyo's apartment broke down for the fourth time so far this summer. To escape the heat, Kyo came over to Die's place because he lives near the river. It's supposed to be cooler.

It's not.

Die's roommates are all out for the day, at uni or work or otherwise occupied elsewhere, so it's just the two of them. Kyo's lying sprawled spread-eagle on the floor with the fan directed at his face, but it's doing little more than move the hot air around.

Kyo lets out a prolonged groan, stretching his arms up over his head. "This is the worst. I hate being so hot. How can you even stand being out in the sun?"

Die's light, squeaking laughter flits through the open balcony door like a fluttering of wings where he sits with his legs in the sun, dressed in a loose, thin tank and pair of basketball shorts. "You're just _delicate_ , Kyo-chan. It's so cute."

"Kyo-chan," Kyo echoes incredulously, tipping his head back. "I'm _delicate?_ " Sweat glistens at Die's temples. He's smiling, but his eyes are closed. " _Cute_ , you can suck my dick. _Kyo-chan_. I'll fucking kill you."

"Oh, yeah?" Die asks with mild interest, squinting his eyes open and glancing sidelong over at Kyo without turning his head. "Anything fun planned?" He keeps playing his acoustic guitar, plucking at the strings in an absent melody that could very well turn into a proper song soon. The delicate scent of camellia blossoms drifts through the open balcony doorway on the light breeze.

"Fun for me, maybe." Kyo closes his eyes and imagines melting into the floorboards like an ice cube. "I wouldn't be too concerned about you, _Die-chan_. Don't test me."

Die huffs a laugh. "No, I don't suppose you would be." He strums along for a few moments, a warm and rich tone that suits the lazy summer afternoon. "Ah," he sighs, "but it's probably too hot for you to even bother moving anyway, Kyo-chan. I think I might just take my chances, you know?"

Well, he's got Kyo there.

A comfortable silence falls between them once again, broken by Die's guitar, the humming refrigerator, the fan set up beside Kyo, and a couple arguing upstairs. Die sings under his breath, something too soft for Kyo to make out the words. His voice is sweet and Kyo's content to listen.

He frowns as the music stops and a shadow moves over his face. The scratchy, fried end results of Die and Shinya's ill-advised home-bleach kit experiment gone wrong grazes Kyo's cheek. Kyo wants to tug on his hair, just to hear Die whine and pout. It's too much effort to move, so he doesn't.

Instead, Kyo squints his eyes open to see Die leaning through the doorway over his head, smiling down at him. A car door slams outside, the sound traveling up four storeys to filter through the open balcony door. As if he were waiting for a starting gun, Die swoops closer to press a kiss to Kyo's forehead, square between the brows, loud and smacking.

"Hey!" Kyo yelps. "What was that for?"

"I don't know," Die says, shrugging before he sets his guitar down on the floor beside Kyo and clambering through the doorway. "You were smiling." He steps over Kyo's prone form on the floor. "I'm getting a beer, d'you want a soda?"

Kyo nods. "With ice, please," he calls to Die's retreating back. Once Die's out of sight, he presses his fingertips to his forehead where he can still feel a ghost of Die's lips.

*

 **second: dissatisfaction**   
With a growl of frustration, Kyo crumples up the page he's been writing on and throws it aside. The lyrics he'd written earlier in the week don't seem to fit anywhere anymore, and what he's been working on to replace it doesn't flow the same. It's not _right_. Nothing he's been doing is _right_.

Maybe he shouldn't even be in the studio today. He stares at the empty, grey sound-proof paneled wall that his desk is set up against. Maybe he shouldn't even be in the band. He shouldn't be here.

Kyo stands up, knocking the chair back in his haste. He needs to get out of here, get a breather, do something, _anything_ else before he does something he regrets. Slamming his way out of the little room he'd been sequestered in off and on for the past week, Kyo stalks off down the hall. He shouldn't even exist.

A door creaks as it opens behind him. Kyo, heading for the vending machines, glances back over his shoulder as he rounds the corner. Die's poking his head out of the room next to Kyo's, confusion and concern warring on his face, clear even in that split second that Kyo sees him.

Oh. Oh, fuck.

He forgot that Die had planned to set up in there and work out a few new melodies on his own for the new album.

Sick guilt begins to twist up Kyo's esophagus that he swallows back like persistent bile. Great. Now he's gone and disturbed Die with his little temper tantrum, too. He can't do anything right.

_He shouldn't be here._

Kyo halts in front of one of the coffee vending machines in the lobby of the studio and stuffs his hands into his jeans pockets, digging for money. He hears footsteps approaching behind him, quick but shuffling in a pair of slippers. His shoulders stiffen up, rising up towards his ears.

As he pulls out his hands, coins spill between his fingers and scatter across the floor with delicate little _clinks_. Kyo curses under his breath, ducking down to scoop up the money. His ears go hot as he hears Die stop nearby, and he takes his time picking up each and every coin as he wills the embarrassed flush prickling down the back of his neck to dissipate.

When Kyo straightens up again, Die's leaning up against the wall beside the bank of vending machines. He looks casual, hands tucked in the pockets of his cardigan with his hair braided over one shoulder to get it out of his face, though a few strands have come loose. He doesn't say anything, and the silence stretches between them. Die tips his head to the side, eyes big and bright... and kind. Worried. _Understanding_.

Everything that Kyo doesn't deserve.

 _Worthless_ , hisses a little voice in the back of Kyo's mind. _Broken. You shouldn't be here. You don't deserve to be here. Just walk out that door and don't come back_. _They'd all be better off without you and it's only a matter of time before they realize it._ He shouldn't be here.

Something in Kyo's expression has Die's eyes widening still more and he leans forward. His palm is warm on the side of Kyo's neck, steady fingers curled and secure around his nape. Soft hair smelling of camellias ( _Camellias_ , Kyo registers dully, _that's what it is_ ,) grazes his cheek. Die smells good, a little spicy with a sweeter undertone that pairs well with the florals in his hair. It reminds Kyo of finally coming home after being out in the cold, something immediately comforting and welcoming.

The warmth of Die's breath blooms over his skin before a soft press of lips graze his forehead. It's a chaste thing, delicate and fleeting. Just there long enough to startle Kyo out of his thoughts.

Die lets him go. He leans back against the wall, hands sliding back into his sweater pockets as if nothing had happened. The last time he'd kissed Kyo's forehead was... a few days ago, but before that, he hadn't done it in _years_.

Kyo sputters, heat flaring in his cheeks. His hand clenches around the coins, the hard edges of them biting into his palms. "What was—?"

When Die smiles, Kyo can't help but smile back at him out of reflex. It's small, but Kyo can feel it tugging at the corners of his mouth. He's surprised he's not more upset by it, by any of this.

Die shrugs. "You looked like you needed it. Hey..." He tips his head to the side. "Would you buy me a coffee?" he asks, eyes gone bright and hopeful. "I don't have any cash on me..."

Kyo's smile stretches, growing out into something that both does and does not feel foreign on his face. When was the last time something made him smile? Last week? Longer than that? "So," he says, "you think you can just flirt your way into a free cup of coffee? You think I'm that easy?"

"No!" The sparkle in Die's eyes goes even brighter somehow as he shoots Kyo a startled, all too innocent to be believable, look. "But... I mean, would that work?" he asks, reaching up to twirl a strand of hair around his finger, one shoulder lifting coquettishly. "Because, I wasn't going to say anything, but I _really_ like how your shoulders fill out that shirt — have you been working out more lately? New training regimen?"

"Fuck you," Kyo says, laughing. Die snickers, dropping the act and leaning back against the wall. Kyo picks through the fistful of change.

When he finds he has enough for both of them, Kyo buys a coffee for Die, anyway. They sit together in the stiff plastic lobby chairs and talk and laugh as they finish their drinks. Die keeps bumping his knee against Kyo's and swings his hands around as he speaks.

"So, what was... All that about, earlier?" Die asks, after a few moments of companionable silence, watching people walk past the tinted lobby windows. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Kyo rolls his shoulders with a sigh. "Lyrics are shit. Nothing's working the way it should. I shouldn't have come in today, I'm not going to get anything done."

Die hums, sipping his coffee. "I ran into a similar problem," he says with a huffed, self-deprecating laugh. His fingers tap along the side of the can in a familiar rhythm. "Just can't seem to bridge the gap between the two melodies I've got, and I don't know if what I've got is even worth pursuing, you know? What if it's just shit?"

"Then it's shit," Kyo replies, bumping Die's arm with his elbow and shrugging when Die looks over at him. "Take a break, go for a walk, talk to someone about it. You'll either figure it out or you won't. Stop letting fear of failure hold you back."

"Could say the same to you," Die murmurs, and his hair tickles Kyo's shoulder as he tips his head to the side and finishes off his coffee. "Thanks for the treat," he adds. "I think I'll go badger Toshiya and see what he thinks about what I've got."

Kyo watches him stand, thoughtful. "Yeah," he says. "I think I might take a walk."

"Wear a coat," Die advises. "It's cold out today. The weather report said it might snow."

"Alright, mom," Kyo sighs, just to be annoying. Die only grins at him in response as he walks away, leaving Kyo to deal with his empty coffee can. " _Hey!_ Fucker—!" Die's hitching laugh echoes from further up the hall.

When Kyo returns to his work, his early drafts aren't as awful as he'd remembered. That aside, he feels somewhat refreshed from his walk around the block, and the snow that had begun to fall just as he made it back to the studio. He picks up his pen and stares at the blank page before him for a moment longer,

and then he starts to write.

*

 **two and a half: nightmares  
** Kyo wakes to darkness. It's the middle of the night. The hotel room is still, curtains drawn tight across the windows to block out the street lights. Through the thin walls, Kyo can hear distant noises of the neighbours, but it shouldn't have been enough to wake him. He frowns. _What...?_

Soft, muffled sounds coming from _inside_ the room reaches his ears, then; whimpering little sobs coming from the bed opposite his. Kyo's frown deepens, and he groggily shifts across his bed towards the sound. The thick comforter feels so _heavy_ to his sluggish, sleepy limbs. "Die?" His voice comes out almost slurred, tongue too thick in his mouth. "You okay?"

The sobbing hitches, getting louder before growing quieter again. "Go back to sleep," Die says — no, _pleads_.

Kyo scrubs a hand over his face. Without his glasses, he can only just make out Die's huddled, miserable form on the bed beside his. He's turned away from Kyo, his shoulders hunched and his knees drawn up tight to make himself as small as possible. It's as if he's trying to make himself a smaller target.

"No, don't tell me what to do," Kyo says, rising up on his elbow and yawning. "What happened to you— hey, did you get hurt?"

Kyo had gone out to the restaurant with everyone else after the show. Not feeling up to making a fool of himself in a country where none of them spoke the language, Kyo opted to return to the hotel after dinner when the other members and staff decided to continue on for drinks at a nearby bar.

(For Kyo, the excitement of their first trip overseas had started to lose its shine somewhat after a few weeks' worth of touring, and he is more than ready to go home.)

Die, to his credit, didn't stay out all night. He came back to their room just after midnight without making too much noise, even though Kyo was still up reading. Die had showered and got ready for bed, fast asleep before Kyo even finished reading a chapter in his book. He'd been _fine_ then.

So the hell _happened_ between then and now?

Die's shoulders shake, the breath shuddering out of him on a low, sobbing moan. Kyo's heart lurches into his throat. Dimly, he recalls Kaoru mentioning Die's frequent nightmares in passing, at the start of the tour before they'd even left Japan. _Could it be...?_

"...Bad dream?" Kyo ventures uncertainly.

"No," Die forces out through gritted teeth. "Just— just drop it and go back to sleep, Kyo, _please_ —" his voice breaks.

"Too late for that now," Kyo says, pushing himself up all the way. "What kind of asshole do you think I am? Hey, come here." He shoves the covers aside and pats the space next to him in what he hopes comes across as inviting even though Die is still facing away from him.

Die only shakes his head, and keeps shaking his head despite the crying, the more Kyo insists. Heaving a sigh, Kyo slides off the edge of the mattress. The carpet is rough and cold beneath his bare feet and he climbs up onto Die's bed, sliding under the blankets beside him. At once, Die squeaks, flailing his arms before curling in on himself even tighter.

"Hey," Kyo murmurs, reaching out and touching Die's back. His body shivers beneath Kyo's hand like he's only just holding himself back from shattering to pieces. Die's breath hitches. "I said, come _here_."

Kyo squeezes Die's shoulder, tugging at him until he rolls over. Die slowly uncurls his limbs and he lets Kyo pulls him into his arms. Kyo strokes down Die's back, feeling like a dick because they're so far from home and he doesn't know how to _fix it_. "It's okay," he whispers, pressing his chin to the top of Die's head. "You're not alone."

Die buries his face in Kyo's chest. His trembling hands cling to Kyo's back, clenching into fists in his shirt, and he cries out as if his heart is physically splitting apart.

"It was..." Kyo swallows. He doesn't know what to _do_. He doesn't know what to do, he's never seen anyone break down like this before, much less _Die_ , and he half-wishes Toshiya was here so he could take over. Anyone else would be better suited to this than _Kyo_ , at least. Die trembles violently in Kyo's arms, huge, gulping sobs wracking his body, his tears soaking the front of Kyo's shirt. "It was just a dream. You're okay."

Reaching up, Kyo brushes his fingers through Die's hair. It's still soft and smooth to the touch despite all the bleach and styling somehow, and Kyo finger-combs the strands back from Die's forehead. "You're okay," he repeats, inanely, staring at the wall. "You're not alone; I'm here. I'm right here with you, Die." He holds Die's trembling body as close as he can while still giving him enough space to _breathe_. "I'm not going anywhere."

After what feels like hours, the weeping slows to the occasional, hiccuped hitch, and then stops entirely. Kyo keeps murmuring an endless litany of comforting nonsense until his voice goes hoarse. He hums, stroking down Die's back, following the bumps of his spine.

Die goes so still for so long Kyo half-thinks he must have fallen asleep. He keeps humming, unsure what else to do. Die's still clinging to him so tightly, he couldn't possibly break free to return to his own bed. Kyo startles when he feels Die's eyelashes flutter against the side of his throat, his heart pounding in his chest. He's close enough Die must be able to hear it, and Kyo's cheeks flood with warmth.

" _Die_ ," he breathes. "You, uh... you okay?"

The ends of Die's hair tickle Kyo's chin as he lifts his head, rising up. Kyo gets a good look at Die's pale, tear-stained face for a few moments as he looks down at Kyo. The corner of his mouth twitches, flattens as he frowns, and Kyo stares up at him, wordless and waiting. His hand slides up Kyo's back to cup Kyo's cheek. His palm is trembling.

Leaning forward, Die presses a somewhat damp kiss to Kyo's forehead, and drops back down on the bed. Kyo stares at him in the dark, but Die turns away so Kyo can't see his face. After a moment, Kyo sighs, shifting forward to snuggle up against Die's back, one arm draped over Die's waist. Die relaxes almost at once, worn out and drifting off within seconds. Sleep doesn't come for Kyo as easily, but he holds onto Die, his forehead nuzzled between Die's shoulder blades, trying to keep him safe.

In the morning, Kyo wakes confused about being in the wrong bed. He looks around the room, frowning against the muted morning light spilling into the room around the edges of the curtains. Memories of the night before trickle back to Kyo in little flashes. _Where is Die?_ His heart thuds in his chest and he sits up, about to go running to find the others and make sure that Die's okay —

— when the bathroom door opens with a billow of steam. Die steps back into the room with his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, his wet hair finger-tousled and combed back off his forehead. He falters when he sees Kyo sitting up. "Oh," he says, his voice muffled.

Kyo waves. "Morning," he says.

Die ducks his head, but not before Kyo sees him smile. He dumps his toiletries bag back into his suitcase and finishes brushing his teeth. Kyo flops back onto the bed with a relieved little groan, smiling up at the ceiling.

(If sometimes they start out the night sharing a bed on tour afterward, neither of them says anything about it.)

*

 **third: sick**   
Kyo, who caught the flu because someone, somewhere sneezed once within a kilometre radius of him and he catches _everything_ , sits miserably bundled on his couch watching bad daytime television when he hears a knock at his door. He whines as he gets up (even though there's nobody within earshot to hear him), groaning as his entire body protests the movement. Shuffling awkwardly forward with the blanket still wrapped around his head and shoulders like a cloak and trailing after him, Kyo makes his hobbling way over to the door.

To his surprise (though, perhaps he shouldn't be _that_ surprised), he finds Die standing on his doorstep, bundled up against the winter weather. His leather jacket is zipped up to the chin with a plush black scarf knotted around his throat and a knitted black hat pulled low to cover his ears. He still has melting snowflakes caught his hair. He smiles as Kyo opens up the door, waving.

"Hey," Kyo rasps. "What're you—?" He ducks away as another furious bout of coughing wracks his body, stumbling forward into the doorframe with a _thud_. Kyo straightens back up, rubbing over his sore chest with a pained groan.

"Oh, that sounds awful," Die says, wincing in sympathy. He holds up a bag. A few items clink around inside the opaque red fabric as it swings in the air between them. "I got you meds and okayu. Well," he ducks his head and twirls a strand of hair around his finger with a light laugh, "I _made_ a big pot of okayu for you. It's my mom's old recipe that she'd make every time I was sick as a kid. It's really bland and easy to digest, so it should be perfect for you... And I have garlic, ginger and green onion too, I swear it helps—"

Kyo wheezes, clinging to the doorframe. "Why?"

Die stops listing out the considerable virtues of ginger mid-sentence and blinks at Kyo. "Why what? Weren't you listening? I just _told_ you—"

" _No_ , not about the stupid ginger— why are you—" Kyo breaks off to cough again with a muttered curse, turning away and covering his mouth with the crook of his elbow. He shivers as tendrils of the colder air in the hallway outside his apartment creeps up through his clothes, seeking his vulnerable, sensitive skin. Scowling, he wraps the blanket around himself even tighter. "Why?"

"Because... I care about you?" Die says, as if that should be obvious.

 _Maybe it is_ , Kyo thinks. He watches Die as he opens up the bag to dig through and talk about its various contents. The tip of his nose is pink from being outside, his eyes bright and shining. Kyo's gaze fixes on Die's mouth as he speaks, the pretty, almost pouty, purse of his lips on certain syllables. He tips his head to rest on the doorframe.

"Anyway," Die's saying, and Kyo forces himself to focus. "I made enough okayu that it should last you through the weekend, at least, because you're probably not going to make it to the market before then. I cut up some side-dishes and garnishes and stuff, too, I wasn't sure what you like or what you stomach can handle, so there's a bit of everything... Just—" Die bows his head and thrusts the bag out towards Kyo like a high schooler with a confession letter. "Here. I hope it helps you feel a little better."

"Die..." Kyo sighs, and Die looks up at Kyo through the fall of his hair across his forehead, his eyes wide and almost hopeful, lip caught between his teeth. Their hands brush on the handles as Kyo reaches out to accept the bag. Die's fingers are even colder than Kyo's. The bag is heavy, heavier than Kyo expected, or maybe he's just that much weaker right now. Heat radiates from the large glass container of okayu. "You didn't have to do this."

"I know," Die says, fiddling with his bracelets now that he's been freed of his burden. After a moment, he shifts his weight forward, reaching out to touch the blanket covering the side of Kyo's head. His lips are warm and surprisingly soft against Kyo's forehead, and Kyo's eyes flutter closed at the familiar, comforting scent of him. He breathes out,

and then Die rocks back on his heels. "It wasn't much, I just— I wanted... to... Anyway!" Die clears his throat, straightening his shoulders, his expression brightening. "If you're not going to eat it right away, get the okayu and the side dishes in the fridge and heat it up when you're hungry. Don't just leave it out on the counter all weekend, Kyo. Promise."

Burrowing deeper into his blankets, Kyo feels the corner of his mouth quirk despite himself, his heart lifting for the first time in days. "I promise. Thank you, Die."

"Ah, I'll get out of your space now," Die says, waving and backing up down the hallway. "I hope you feel better soon!"

Kyo watches until Die's disappeared out of sight, then backs up into his apartment and shuts the door again. He looks in the bag: cough suppressants, pain relievers, and sinus medications; a huge tub of rice porridge, along with several smaller containers full of chopped raw vegetables, cooked meats, hard boiled egg, and seeds; several stalks of green onion, and a huge hunk of ginger root.

The smile stretches across Kyo's face and he shakes his head. Breathing out, Kyo makes his way to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he returns to his nest on the couch, with a mug of steaming ginger tea in one hand and a hot bowl of okayu topped with shredded chicken, half of the egg, a sprinkling of sesame seeds, and green onion. He waits a few moments for both to cool before drinking and eating; warmth trickles and spreads through his body, fighting back the aches and the cold. He closes his eyes, smiling.

*

 **three and a half: tease  
** Die stiffens as Kyo's head droops onto his arm. _Oh_. Kyo blinks, about to straighten back up in his seat and apologize for unintentionally crossing a boundary, when Die shifts closer to the window. His shoulder droops to accommodate him and he pulls Kyo closer with an arm around his waist. Kyo's head ends up nestled in the soft juncture where Die's neck meets his shoulder. His eyelids lower, getting heavier and heavier, the road ahead through the windshield blurring as he drifts off.

He wakes an indeterminate amount of time later, still nestled up against Die's side in the back of the van, sounds muted through his hazy consciousness. Kyo keeps his eyes shut. Every so often, Die's hand strokes up and down Kyo's back, soothing and slow even through Kyo's thick winter parka. It feels good. A soft press of lips graze his forehead and he sighs, nuzzling closer to Die's neck. That feels good, too.

"...Did you just kiss him?" comes Toshiya's laughing voice, piercing a hole through Kyo's quiet, serene bubble. "Aw, how cute! I didn't know you liked boys."

"Maybe," Die says, his tone light. Kyo would have no idea that Die was feeling anything other than amusement if he couldn't feel the way that Die was gripping at the back of Kyo's jacket, out of sight. His hand is trembling. "Do you want a kiss too?"

To Kyo's left, Kaoru makes a noise not unlike a cat hacking up a hairball. "No! It's weird," he says.

Die hums. He releases his hold on Kyo's jacket, but still keeps his arm curled loosely around Kyo's back. "Maybe it is," he says, his voice smaller than usual.

(After that, he starts kissing Kyo's forehead less and less, until one day he just stops doing it altogether. Though he never says a word about it, Kyo misses the comfort of it more than he thought he would.)

*

 **fourth: hello  
** "Sorry I'm late," Die says as he walks through the meeting room door, carrying two trays of coffee cups balanced in both hands. He sets the trays down on the edge of the table and starts passing out the drink orders to the rest of the band, their managers, and other members of staff present for the meeting. As he passes a cup off to Kyo, Die leans closer, cupping Kyo's cheek in his hand and kissing his forehead.

Kyo grins at Die, taking a sip from his cup and humming contentedly at the sweetness. He joins in with everyone else ribbing Die, "You slept in."

Die laughs, dropping down in the empty seat next to Kyo's, cradling his own cup to his chest. "If Shinya hadn't messaged me to ask if I was gonna be arriving soon, I'd probably still be asleep right now." He holds his cup towards Shinya in a solemn salute, though the corners of his lips twitch.

Shinya returns the gesture, bowing his head to hide a matching smile.

"Shinya!" Toshiya exclaims, scandalized. "I expected better of you!"

"That was a mistake," Shinya replies, popping the lid off his cup and taking a sip. "This is very good, Die, thank you. I'm surprised you remembered what I usually order."

Die grins at Shinya, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the table. "I have a note of both everyone's favourite treat and usual orders saved on my phone," he admits. "In the event that I ever oversleep and need to get everyone coffee so you're legally not allowed to be mad at me anymore."

"Devious," Kaoru says. "I can respect that."

Die grins and flashes him a peace sign. "You're welcome!"

"You have our _cheat codes!_ " Toshiya gasps, clutching his coffee cup to his chest. "That's not fair!"

Snickering, Die replies, "You're just jealous you didn't think of it first."

"Yeah!" Toshiya scoffs, throwing a hand up into the air. "Obviously!" He takes a sip and grimaces. "This is delicious! How _dare_ you get my treat order, you cheater!" Toshiya keeps whining about it and he and Die playfully bicker back and forth for another few minutes.

Amused and only half-listening, Kyo sinks further into his seat, one foot braced on the floor as he slowly rotates the chair from side to side, thoughtful. No one even bats an eyelash about Die's kissing habit anymore, not even Kyo. It's happened so many times now over the past few months that it barely even registers as a blip on anyone's radar.

Die does it as a greeting, a goodbye, as punctuation, for comfort, to settle arguments, and whenever else he feels like doing it at random, it seems. He doesn't only kiss Kyo these days, either, though Die does seem to reserve forehead kisses for Kyo exclusively.

They've all gotten a lot more comfortable with themselves and with each other over these past few years, enough so that Die finally felt safe enough to come out as bisexual to the band and trusted members among the staff. It's good. _They're_ all good — maybe better than they've ever been.

It's become second nature now. Kyo takes a sip from his cup and hums again, happily. Out the corner of his eye, he sees Die's head turn in his direction, a fond smile on his face. Kyo would feel out of sorts and adrift if Die stopped kissing him out of the blue again, like before.

He hopes Die doesn't stop.

Kyo doodles through the meeting. Die giggles and watches, half-draped over Kyo's back with his chin resting on Kyo's shoulder (and neither of them are paying as much attention to the meeting as they perhaps ought to be). Maybe it should be annoying, but it's not. Kyo likes Die being close.

*

 **four and a half: tear  
** The mid-October air is too cold for just a t-shirt, but it soothes Kyo's overheated skin. He leans up against the side of the bus for a moment and breathes. Even as he stands there, the fragments of the nightmare that'd woken him are already beginning to fade away.

There are a few other people scattered around the parking lot, standing or sitting perched on the backs of other cars, talking loudly to hear each other over their own drunkenness. Kyo moves away from them, into the shadow on the other side of the bus.

He doesn't see Die perched on a parking bumper until he nearly trips over Die's legs.

"Oh," Kyo says, squinting at Die through the dark. He's too drunk, again, but alone for once, sitting with his legs stretched out in front of him and a lit cigarette pinched between his fingers. "There you are," he adds, even though he hadn't been looking for Die.

"Here I am," Die agrees. He tilts his head to look up at Kyo and blinks through a plume of smoke escaping the corners of his mouth. "Kyo? Shouldn't you be sleeping? Avoiding everyone?"

Kyo feels a surge of... _something_. It's not anger, it's not bright enough for that, but he feels a dull pulse of something low in his gut. Embarrassment tangled up with indignation tangled up with shame, all knotted together and twisting around each other like snakes. Kyo shrugs it off, hugging himself for warmth. "Couldn't sleep," he says shortly, lowering himself down onto the bumper beside Die and stealing his cigarette to take a drag. "What are you doing on the ground?"

"Got a bit light-headed and had to sit down for a bit," Die replies easily, shifting closer to Kyo for warmth. He's drunk enough that he doesn't even seem to notice when Kyo doesn't give the cigarette back. With a soft laugh, Die scrubs a hand over his face. "When are we leaving? A couple hours?"

"Something like that," Kyo says.

Die closes the remaining distance between them and nuzzles right up against Kyo's side. Die seems to be in relatively good spirits, which he hasn't often been on this tour, and Kyo's missed it. Kyo tells himself that's the only reason why he doesn't push Die away, why he lets Die loop their arms together. He smells like beer and cigarette smoke, with something sweet lingering just underneath.

"Tell me something funny," Kyo murmurs, letting the smoke drift between his lips for a moment before exhaling the rest on a sigh.

At once, Die launches into a story about how he and Toshiya nearly got kicked out of a club for trying to incite a dance-off on the tabletops with one of the other bands on the tour. He has Kyo fighting back a grin within seconds. The lingering traces of the nightmare slough off Kyo's back like shedding a skin he'd outgrown. He emerges on the other side, laughing and joking around with Die like they haven't in longer than he cares to think about, talking about their bandmates and the other bands on tour.

They fall into a comfortable silence after a while, Die's head heavy on Kyo's shoulder. He's shivering even in his leather jacket, all but hugging Kyo's arm to his chest. Kyo can't quite feel his fingertips. Die lights up another cigarette and takes a drag before offering it up to Kyo. He blows the smoke back out the corner of his mouth, and Kyo's eyes catch on the curves of his lips, how full and soft they look even in what little light reaches them from behind the bus.

"Why did you kiss me?" Kyo asks. He frowns at the cigarette between his fingers. "Before, I mean?" Guilt surges up inside him, sick and twisting. He takes a drag, looks away. He shouldn't be asking that, shouldn't be taking advantage of how open and _honest_ Die tends to be when he's drunk, but he needs to _know_. "...Why did you stop?" slips out Kyo's mouth before he could even hope to stop it.

Die shrugs. "I liked it," he replies, easy and graceless. He huffs out a laugh, warm against the side of Kyo's neck, and Kyo shivers. "I liked you." He lifts his head up off Kyo's shoulder, and Kyo turns to look at him. He's frowning. "I'm sorry," he says, meeting Kyo's eyes with a twist to his mouth that Kyo can't interpret. "I know it was weird."

Kyo's heart stumbles over ' _liked_ ' and he shakes his head, swallowing hard. "I never thought it was weird," he says, and, because Die's drunk and might not remember come morning, he adds, "I miss it, sometimes."

"Oh," Die says. He gets to his feet and stumbles forward, but catches himself before he can fall over the concrete barrier the bus is parked alongside. Kyo stubs out the cigarette and follows as Die leads the way back into the bus, hands outstretched in case Die trips again. At once, Die makes a beeline for the kitchen, and Kyo trails after him, uncertain.

Die pulls the fridge door open. After a moment, seemingly not finding what he was looking for, he closes it and reaches for the freezer door handle, instead.

When Kyo realizes that's where they keep the hard liquor, he claps a hand over it, pushing the door shut before Die can even open it more than an inch.

Die blinks at Kyo. "Fuck off." He sounds more sober all of a sudden, all of his previous drunken cheer vanished.

"Die," Kyo says. "Come on, maybe you've had enough. You should go to bed. You don't need anymore and we're going to be leaving soon, anyway. You don't want to be sick all night on the bus, do you?"

"Fuck _off_ ," Die repeats, voice gilded and bitter with frost. He shoves Kyo's shoulder hard enough to knock Kyo off balance, and he stumbles back a step, crashing into the counter behind him. Kyo winces at the sudden flare of pain in his hip. Die's chest heaves, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. "You've barely even _been_ here, how the fuck could you _possibly_ know what I need?"

Kyo stares at him. "What's your problem?" he asks, but

then he stops and thinks for a second. He hadn't considered what effect his isolation could have on the others, least of all on _Die_ , who thrived in social situations like this tour. Die, who could fit himself into any group of people and come out making at least four new friends. Somewhere along the way Kyo forgot that Die's anxiety rivals his own some days, that they often acted as a port in the storm for each other. How could he forget that?

"I'm sorry," Kyo says softly. "Fuck."

Die swallows, loud in the hushed quiet of the bus. His gaze drops and he grabs onto the edge of the counter, eyes gone hazy and distant.

"Die," Kyo says. He wants to reach out, but he doesn't want Die to push him away again. His heart couldn't take it. "I know I haven't been around enough, but I needed to take care of myself, too." His throat clicks dryly as he swallows. "I didn't know you were hurting. I'm sorry," he repeats, softer. "I... I can be here now if you want me to be—"

"You don't get to _do_ that," Die snaps. His eyes go flinty, tempered and sharp as steel as he looks up and meets Kyo's gaze. "You can't just— just shut everyone else out and then waltz back in whenever you feel like it like nothing happened. _Fuck you_." He storms forward, reaching up to roughly push Kyo's hair back from his forehead with one hand, leaning in and kissing him there.

The harsh press of his lips sears into Kyo's skin like a brand, and then he lets Kyo go, pushing him back again.

"Don't fucking pretend like you suddenly give a shit because you're bored, or—" His voice cracks and Die stares at Kyo for a second. "Fuck it. Do what you want. It's what you always do anyway." He shakes his head and walks away, stomping down the steps and slamming open the bus door.

Kyo watches him go, shellshocked and frozen in place, staring after him. There were _tears_ glistening in Die's eyes before he'd turned away, catching the orange streetlights and glowing like orange embers on his bottom lashes. Swallowing hard, Kyo leans heavier against the counter, the hard edge of it digging into his throbbing hip bone. It's going to bruise. He pushes against it harder, savoring it.

They've fought before, of course they have, but it's... it's never felt like this. He swallows back a wave of emotions, a mix of anger and sadness and _hurt_.

Scrubbing a hand over his face, Kyo gathers up his toiletries bag from his bunk to at least brush his teeth before he climbs into his bed and pulls the curtain across to shut out the world. He stays there, quiet and alone, until he hears everyone else returning to the bus. He doesn't get up, just grips his pillow and swallows hard as he hears Die's voice.

Die laughs at some joke Kaoru told, bright and hitching, like nothing was amiss. Kyo closes his eyes as he feels and hears the other members and staff traveling with them on the bus getting into their bunks around him. He digs his fingernails into the skin of his forearm until it starts to sting. He presses in a little harder. Die laughs again, sweet and soft. Kyo releases his hold and breathes out.

Kyo falls asleep to the sound of Die and Shinya talking together in low voices at the back of the bus, his heart aching.

*

 **fifth:** **encore  
**Kyo stumbles forward as Die comes crashing into his side. Bracing himself, Kyo catches Die around the waist with a grin, looking back at him. Die's hair hangs in loose curls, blown back from his face from the velocity of colliding with Kyo, his eyes bright and dancing. "Did you just trip into me?" Kyo asks, laughter hitching his voice.

"You can't prove anything," Die replies, breathless and delighted. Kyo is abruptly so fond of him that he has trouble drawing enough breath into his lungs. Die curls his arm around Kyo's neck, tugging him closer and smacking a kiss right in the centre of his forehead. He lingers there for a moment and Kyo's eyes flutter closed, the rest of the world spinning off without them for a few precious heartbeats. Die hugs Kyo closer, hand sliding up the back of Kyo's head to ruffle through his hair and mussing up the sweat-damp strands.

Laughing, Kyo blinks his eyes open and ducks out from under Die's arm, twirling out of his reach. He makes a show of scrubbing off his forehead on the back of his hand, but he can't seem to tear his gaze away from Die's mouth. Die's lips stretch into a smile and it's so familiar, so unchanged after so many years, but it rams into Kyo like a punch in the gut. He watches as Die turns to go after the other members one by one, almost awe-struck.

Die kisses the others, too, but it's different. Kaoru gets a peck on the top of his head, and he laughs and shoves Die away, grinning and rumpling up his hair even more. Die catches Shinya's temple in passing, less of a kiss than a delicate brush of his lips over Shinya's skin. Shinya cracks a ghost of a smile in Die's wake, already focused on getting a change of clothes from his bag and preparing to leave. Die wraps both arms around Toshiya's waist, tugging him close to pepper kisses along the edge of his jaw. Toshiya loops his arms through Die's to keep him close, dive-bombing him with kisses in return until Die manages to pull away from him, laughing and flushed a pleased pink.

Kyo grabs another water bottle off the counter in the dressing room and untwists the cap, wondering.

*

 **five and a half: recovery  
** When Kyo blinks his eyes open to see his bandmates gathered around the sides of his hospital bed, he's tempted to close his eyes and pretend to still be asleep. Something about their smiles has him blinking again, shifting against his pillow with a hoarse, pained groan. "What're you doing here?"

He looks around at them all, settled in chairs clustered around either side of his bed. They each have a small bottle of champagne. Kyo frowns. "What's that for?"

Toshiya sits up a little straighter in his seat, bouncing a bit with his excitement. "To celebrate your successful surgery," he explains, his eyes bright and his grin even brighter. Kyo feels the corner of his mouth quirk in response. "And to celebrate your successful return to consciousness! Good morning!"

"It's nighttime," Shinya says, rolling his eyes and elbowing Toshiya in the ribs. He leans forward, holding up another, much bigger bottle of non-alcoholic cider. "Die got this for you, but your doctor said you can't have anything but water until your throat is healed."

"So we got you water, yay!" Die chirps. He's sitting closest to the top of the bed, and Kyo only has to turn his head a little to look at him. Beaming, Die holds up two plastic cups, one filled to the brim with ice chips and another of plain water with a lid and a straw.

A rush of warmth and fondness flutters through Kyo's chest, and he smiles despite himself as they each open up their bottles of champagne. Afterwards, they take turns toasting (and roasting) each other (and Kyo).

When a somewhat tipsy Die insists on feeding Kyo ice chips, Kaoru hums. "I wasn't aware that Kyo has had surgery on his hands as well," he says dryly.

Toshiya cracks up laughing so hard he almost falls off his chair. Shinya laughs outright and then covers his mouth with his hand. Kyo chuckles and winces at the pain. Die goes a bit pink, but he doesn't stop doing it. The ice helps, and Kyo doesn't mind the help for once. His coordination's off from the pain medication, and it's nice to be cared for.

One by one the others trickle out of the room for the night as visiting hours come to a close. Kaoru ruffles up Kyo's hair; Toshiya gives him a tearful but ginger hug, mindful of his healing throat and the IV; Shinya takes Kyo's hand between both of his, steady and strong, and wishes him a swift recovery. Die's the last to leave. He sets a fresh cup of ice and another of water down on Kyo's bedside table, fidgeting with his bracelets. His long, dark hair falls into his face.

"What is it?" Kyo rasps.

"Huh?" Die says, looking up from the floor, startled. "Oh." The corner of his mouth twists and he brushes his hair back out of his face. "Nothing." He offers Kyo a smile that almost passes for genuine. "It's nothing. Just glad you pulled through, that's all." Leaning forward, he cups Kyo's cheek in his hand but hesitates a moment, hovering an inch away. His thumb traces across Kyo's cheekbone.

Kyo looks up at him. He's too close for Kyo to get a read on his expression, but his hand is trembling. Kyo's heart hurts. He wants to reach up and take Die's hand, to tell him it's _okay_... but then Die takes a deep breath and closes the remaining distance, kissing Kyo's forehead for the first time since that awful fight five years earlier.

His lips are soft, and Kyo's eyelids flutter shut as he sighs. He hasn't said a word in all those years, hasn't dared to, but _god_ , he's missed this. Die draws back too soon, and Kyo opens his eyes again to catch Die frowning again.

Die's hand slips from Kyo's face down to his shoulder and he squeezes, once. His mouth works like he wants to say something more, but he just shakes his head with a laugh. "Good night, Kyo," he says, gathering up coat, the empty bottles of champagne clinking together in his bag. "Get some rest. I— we'll be waiting for you."

Kyo wants to call after Die as he walks out the door without looking back, but just then he gets another dose of pain medication and drifts back into sleep. By the time he gets out of the hospital a few days later, the moment is forgotten.

*

 **sixth:** **awake  
**Kaoru takes off his glasses and pinches the bridge of his nose with a heavy sigh, his eyes closed. From his place beside him, Toshiya bounces in his chair, his eyes bright and excited. Shinya doesn't look at anyone, busily setting up his drums after getting them back from the repair shop.

Kyo shifts his weight from foot to foot, uncomfortable. "What do you think?"

"I think this is the best thing that I've ever heard," Toshiya says, slapping his hands down on his knees and leaning forward. Kaoru moves to elbow him in the ribs, but Toshiya deftly avoids it, still grinning. "You're in love with him, right?"

" _What?_ " Kyo squawks, startled. "No, I'm not! I just like him! Same as like I like the rest of you!"

"But is it really the same, though?" Toshiya asks.

 _Does_ Kyo love Die? Well, of course he does. He's funny and kind, talented and dependable. They've been through so much together, all five of them, and come out on the other side stronger than ever. Kyo loves all of them.

But more than that... Die...

The way he looks at Kyo when he smirks, his head tilted to one side. The pleasing pink flush that rises so quickly and so easily in his cheeks when he gets flustered or embarrassed. The catlike arch of his back when he stretches his arms up over his head, and the pale nape of his neck where the loose collars of his shirts have a tendency to droop down when he hunches his broad shoulders. How he lights up when he smiles, delighted and brilliant and unselfconscious. The way he loves so openly, so genuinely, with everything he has. Just being around him often makes Kyo happy, simply by virtue of him being _Die_.

How he seems so soft and sleepy after working late into the night, like all he needs is a warm shoulder to rest his head on for a catnap. How much he hates the cold, and how cute he looks bundled up in his coat. The way his eyes light up when he laughs, or when Kyo flirts back with him. The way he leans in and kisses Kyo's forehead, the softness of his lips and the scent of camellias in his hair. Lazy, sun-drenched afternoons, more cans of coffee than they could count, and the quiet comfort of a shared hotel bed during lonely nights on tour. The way Die's mouth moves and the slow, dragging drawl of his voice first thing in the morning. The way he seems to reserve forehead kisses just for Kyo, and how special that makes Kyo feel, how important and precious... The way... he...

 _Well, fuck_ , Kyo thinks. He swallows hard. _Fuck, I really am in love with him, aren't I?_ "Of course I like him. How could I not? It's _Die_. It's not like it's hard," he says, weakly. "But that's it. I just... like him. It's not different. Don't make it weird."

Kaoru sighs again. "If you say so," he says, checking the time on his phone. "Look, are we done here?" he asks. At Kyo's shrug, Kaoru stands with a groan, stretching his back. "Start out telling him you liked his demo and go from there," he says, patting Kyo's shoulder as he passes by. "Don't fuck this up." He leaves the room.

Toshiya hops to his feet, his arms outstretched to catch Kyo up in a brisk but firm hug. "I'm so happy for you," Toshiya murmurs. Kyo leans into the hug. "You know that, right?"

Kyo presses his forehead against Toshiya's shoulder and breathes out a soft laugh. "Yeah," he says. "Don't know what _you're_ so happy about," he adds. "I have no idea what's going to happen or what Die feels. He might hate me."

Humming, Toshiya releases Kyo, sliding both hands up to Kyo's shoulders and leaning back to meet his eyes. The corner of his mouth twitches into a soft, kind smile. "Try," he says. "Just try. You might be surprised."

 _Try_ , huh. Kyo nods, turning to watch Toshiya leave. He rocks back and forth on his heels, considering.

Shinya's still working on setting up his drums to his exacting specifications, and Kyo watches him for a while, lost in his thoughts. _I'm in love with Die._ The thought sends a giddy thrill up Kyo's spine, nerves fluttering in his gut. He might be sick.

"So..." Kyo says after a pause. Shinya, of course, hasn't said anything yet. "Do you think I should just talk to Die?" Kyo asks, hovering next to Shinya's drums. He reaches out and trails his fingertips along one of the hi-hats, but snatches his hand away when Shinya taps the back of his hand gently with his drumstick. Kyo flashes Shinya an innocent smile, interlocking his fingers behind his back. "Just tell him what I feel and see what happens?"

"Yes, I do," Shinya replies, testing out the tension of his drums for a few moments before setting his drumsticks aside and making some readjustments. After a moment, Shinya looks up with an exasperated expression. "What are you still doing here?"

"Wait," Kyo says, frowning. "You mean I should go _now?_ "

"Why wouldn't you?" Shinya asks. "Go away."

Reaching up, Kyo knocks on one of the cymbals hard enough to make the entire stand wobble with an almighty, ringing crash before gleefully fleeing the live room. Shinya cusses him out, his colourful threats cut off as the door closes behind him. Chuckling to himself, Kyo wanders the studio halls, unsure of where to even _find_ Die, but their recording studio isn't that big. He'll run into Die eventually, it just might take him an hour.

He turns a corner and almost walks right into Takumi. "Oh," he says, stumbling to the side to avoid a direct collision with a laugh. "Hey."

Takumi's eyes are wide, one hand pressed to his chest. "You should wear a bell," he says.

"Where's the fun in that?" Kyo asks. He leans closer, hands sliding into his pockets. "Have you seen Die today?"

"I was working with him earlier," Takumi says, pulling his phone from his pocket. "He might still be in the studio, let me check..." Kyo immediately feels a bit silly for not thinking of that himself. "Ah," Takumi says as his phone buzzes in his hand a few seconds later. "He's still in Studio C. Kaoru just left him so he says he's alone and lonely. I told him you were looking for him." Kyo lets out a loud groan, and Takumi's eyes dance with mischief as he smiles at Kyo over his phone. "Should I not have? Oh, well. Good luck."

"You are a _demon_ ," Kyo says, and Takumi laughs. He continues around the corner, waving to Kyo over his shoulder as he goes. Kyo watches him for a moment, somewhat impressed, before making his way towards Studio C.

The door's closed. Kyo knocks before opening it. Die back over his shoulder. He's got a laptop open to their recording software, a song in progress on the screen. He's wearing headphones, one on and the other off, with his guitar resting in his lap. The collar of his sweater droops down over one shoulder.

As Kyo enters the room, Die tugs off the headphones and sets them aside on the desk. "Hey," he says, and Kyo pushes the door shut again behind him. "I heard you were looking for me." Die brushes his fingers through his hair, smoothing down the strands rumpled by the headphones, and smiles up at Kyo.

"Some sources aren't to be trusted," Kyo replies, walking over and leaning up against the edge of the desk beside Die. "You know that."

Die tips his head to the side. "Not even Takumi?"

Kyo pulls a face, warmth radiating in his chest as Die chuckles. "Especially not Takumi. He is an agent of chaos."

"Like you, then," Die says, still laughing. He sets his guitar on the stand beside him and stretches his arms up over his head with a groan. "So what's going on?" he asks, his hands interlocked behind his head. "You look..."

Die trails off, his gaze dropping to where Kyo's hands curl around the edges of the desk. Kyo tightens his grip. As Kyo watches, Die's eyes meander back up Kyo's body, perhaps lingering a little too long at his exposed collarbones, following the column of his throat and the line of his jaw, back up to meet Kyo's gaze. Kyo swears the room gets two or three degrees hotter.

"I look...?" Kyo echoes, after an extended pause.

"Like you've got something on your mind," Die says, leaning forward and resting his chin in his hand with a frown. "Is everything okay?"

Kyo feels his shoulders droop. He drops his gaze down to the floor, staring hard at the carpet beneath his slippers. "Everything's fine," he says. "I'm not— nothing's happened or _wrong_ , I just..." He groans, ruffling a hand through his hair. "I just wanted to talk to you."

"Oh!" Die says. When he laughs, Kyo's cheeks prickle with warmth not from embarrassment but pleasure, just basking in the sound. "So you _were_ looking for me," he teases, and Kyo rolls his eyes. "Well, you found me," Die says. Kyo looks up from the floor. Die's still smiling, his attention back on the laptop screen as he saves his progress. "I can take a break for a while, if you want to," he wiggles his hand noncommittally, "go find the vending machines."

"Oh, did you conveniently forget to bring money again?" Kyo asks, laughing as Die sticks out his tongue. "No, I... I don't mind staying here. You can keep working, if you want. It's actually _about_ that." He clears his throat, looking away again. "I heard the demo you finished. Wasn't that the song you were struggling with a couple months ago?"

Kyo watches Die nod out the corner of his eye. "It was _so_ annoying," Die says. "I went to Toshiya and he figured out the perfect bridge for it in less than fifteen minutes! Like it was nothing!" He heaves a sigh, but when Kyo looks over at him, there's a smile playing at the corner of his mouth. "We're so lucky to have Toshiya, you know."

"I am aware of that fact, believe it or not," Kyo replies. _Now or never. Try_. His nails dig into the underside of the desk. "We're lucky to have you, too, though." Die makes a curious sound and Kyo smiles at him. "You know, when I talked to Toshiya about the demo, he said that _you_ were the one who figured out the bridge."

"No, he didn't!" Die gasps, sitting up straighter in his chair. "That fucker! _He_ was the one— I just gave him two unconnected melodies, he was the one who tied them together and made them _work_. Where'd Kaoru go," Die mutters darkly, looking around. He scoops up his phone from the desk and starts typing, "I need him to go lecture Toshiya on the importance of _taking credit_ —"

Laughing, Kyo reaches out and touches Die's shoulder. Die sinks back into his seat and sets his phone back down on the desk, somewhat calmed. "Maybe you both need that lecture," Kyo suggests, laughing louder when Die just pulls a face at him in reply. "Whoever it was that came up with it, it doesn't matter. I just wanted to tell you that you did a good job. It's going to be a great song because of your work, Die. Thank you."

Die swallows, ducking his head. "Oh," he says, his voice soft, a little shy. He fidgets with his bracelets. "Thank you, Kyo."

Kyo lets his hand slide from Die's shoulder, his heart pounding in his ears. His fingers trail up the side of Die's neck and along his jaw. Applying gentle pressure, he tips Die's head up. Die's breath catches audibly in his throat. Kyo cups Die's cheek in his hand and leans in before he can think better of it, pressing a kiss to Die's forehead.

"O-oh," Die repeats on a whisper.

When Kyo leans back, Die's eyes are wide, catching the dimmed lights in the room yet somehow still sparkling like a field of stars. His parted lips look so soft. Kyo's hand shifts from Die's cheek to brush through his hair, those smooth, silky strands falling between his fingers like golden water, before he leans back in and kisses Die on the mouth.

The scent of camellias washes over Kyo. Die's lips are so soft, so warm, it's almost like a dream. Kyo curls his fingers in Die's hair, presses his hand back to Die's cheek and leans into him, sucking at his plush bottom lip. It's almost like a dream. Almost.

It turns into a nightmare when Kyo registers that Die isn't kissing him _back_. His lips are still, mouth slack beneath the insistent press of Kyo's. He releases Die as if he'd been burned.

"I'm so sorry," Kyo stutters out, horrified.

He doesn't wait to check Die's reaction, knowing his heart would break to see pity or disgust or hatred or _worse_ on his face. Pushing off the edge of the desk, Kyo sprints to the door, throwing it open and running down the hall without looking back. He heads straight back to his work room, locking himself inside and crouching down on the floor.

Kyo covers his face with his hands and lets out a low, pained groan.

He fucked up.

He fucked up _bad_.

Kyo lets his head fall back against the wall with a groan, resisting the urge to hit his head against the wall again, and harder, to physically knock all the bad feelings out. He blinks up at the ceiling, his hand falling to his side. He feels like he's about to be sick. He forced himself on Die— _god_. Die must hate him now.

His feet ache; he lost his slippers at some point during his mad dash between the studios and here. Kyo lowers himself to sit on the floor and buries his face in his knees. He's going to have to leave the band, he realizes, and he struggles to swallow through the roiling nausea, clenching his eyes shut and curling his hands over the back of his head.

After a few hours of sitting miserably curled up in the corner, Kyo's stomach starts to clench uncomfortably. He tries to ignore it but he can't. Getting up, he sneaks out of his room, checking to make sure the coast is clear every step of the way until he reaches the vending machines to buy himself some lunch. He eats most of it loitering in the lobby, ready to run at the first sign of anyone coming towards him.

When he gets too paranoid, he returns to his room only to spy Die sitting perched on a desk that had been left out in the hall from one of the other rooms. Panicked, Kyo tries to hide around the corner, but,

"Ah, Kyo," Die calls. "Please don't run away again. You can outrun me and I'm just... We both know I'm not a runner. Come here and talk to me."

"I'm faster than you too," Kyo mutters, staring down at his lunch and resenting both it and his stomach. If he had only just held out a little longer, he could have... He could have _what?_ He would've opened the door to find Die waiting there for him on the other side, or he would've just had to lock himself away in that little room until he _died_.

Kyo squares his shoulders and comes around the corner. Die's still sitting on the desk, his feet crossed at the ankle and swinging just above the tile floor, hands curved around the edge of the desk. Kyo swallows, coming to a halt outside his room, and leans up against the wall opposite. He doesn't look at Die, but he can feel Die's eyes on him like a physical weight.

"I'm sorry," Kyo bursts out, and Die startles, the desk creaking as he jumps. "I never intended to make you uncomfortable or overstep your boundaries, I'm— I shouldn't have—" Groaning, Kyo crouches down on the floor again, covering his face with his hand. "I'm sorry," he says again, muffled in his palm. "If you can't forgive me, I understand."

"Wait, what?" Die says. "No."

" _Fuck_ , Die, I'm so sorry." He lowers his hand, staring up at Die. Die stares back at him, his eyes wide and _sad_. Kyo's stomach churns again. "God, I _assaulted_ you—"

"What?" Die interrupts, loudly. "When?"

"—and I understand if you never talk to me again, or if you want to press charges... I'll go tell Kaoru that I'm resigning right now—"

The rest of Kyo's sentence fizzles out to nothing in his opened mouth as Die slides off the edge of the desk. He crosses the hall in two steps and crouches down in front of Kyo. He's holding Kyo's slippers. Kyo's mouth snaps shut.

Die sighs. "Shut up for a second," he says, and he sets Kyo's slippers down on the floor between them. "Put those on. Breathe, please." Kyo sets his packaged food down on the floor and slips his feet back into the slippers. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "I'm not mad at you," Die continues after a moment. "Please don't leave the band."

Kyo stares at him. "You're not— _what?_ How could you not be— _what?_ "

Shaking his head, Die says, "If anything, I'm mad that you just ran away before I could even get a word out, and that you've been hidden away somewhere beating yourself up over nothing—"

"Die," Kyo sputters. "Come on, that wasn't nothing. I kissed you and you _clearly_ didn't want me to—"

"How do you know?" Die asks.

Kyo swallows. "Let's just pretend it never happened, then. Okay? If you're really not mad?"

"What if I don't want to pretend it never happened?" Die asks.

Kyo's heart drops into his gut. He presses his back more firmly against the wall, his hands clenching into fists on his knees. Of course, Die wouldn't let him off so easily. He shouldn't.

"What if I wanted you to kiss me again?" Die asks, tipping his head to the side. His hair spills over his shoulder. "Maybe even long enough that I can actually kiss you back, this time?"

"You— _what?_ "

Die's eyebrows quirk, a smile turning up the corner of his mouth. "Do you want to kiss me again, or not?"

Kyo's mouth goes dry. " _Yes_ , Die, I—" He falls forward, wincing as his knees connect with the tile floor, cupping Die's cheek in his hand. _That's going to bruise._ Kyo can't bring himself to _care_. "More than anything." His thumb grazes the corner of Die's smile and Die shivers, meeting Kyo's gaze. His eyes are bright, open and honest. "Yes. Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I want that," Die says, his eyelids lowering. "Okay?"

Kyo, still staring, realizes his mouth is hanging open again and shuts it. Die is so _close_. Kyo can't remember the last time Die was this close to him, close enough he could count Die's eyelashes if he had the presence of mind to focus on anything beyond the delicate fan of them. _Oh_. "Okay," he says. "Yes. Whatever you want."

Hesitantly, Die sways forward. Their lips brush, just for the briefest moment. Kyo's breath hitches, but he doesn't move. He waits. Die sits back on his heels, watching Kyo, his eyes searching. Kyo strokes across Die's cheekbone, his eyes darting from Die's eyes to his mouth and back again. Die's tongue smooths across his bottom lip as if searching for any trace of Kyo's taste there. Kyo shivers. He _waits_.

Die shifts closer on his knees, pressing their mouths back together.

It's soft and delicate, Die's bottom lip caught between both of Kyo's. Die's hand slides around the nape of Kyo's neck as he tips his head to the side and they press closer together. Kyo sighs, tilting his head to lick his way into Die's mouth, reveling in the surprised but pleased little noise Die makes in the back of his throat. He tugs at Kyo's shirt until they're pressed right up against each other, but

Die pulls back too soon. He rests his forehead against Kyo's, taking a deep breath before sitting back. "Maybe... We shouldn't do this on the floor in the middle of the hall?" he suggests after a moment spent just watching each other. Die smiles and laughs beneath Kyo's hand on his cheek and Kyo watches, utterly transfixed, awed by the way Die's muscles move beneath his palm.

"My room's open," Kyo says, reluctant to pull away from Die. His hand drops from Die's cheek only to take hold of his hand instead, lacing their fingers together. He gets to his feet, tugging at Die, who laughingly gathers up the remains of Kyo's lunch and clambers up alongside him. Die lets Kyo drag him across the hall.

Kyo turns the knob and leads the way into the room; it's small for one person, even smaller for two. Die bumps up against Kyo's back with the door closed behind them, and Kyo tilts his head up, resting his head on Die's shoulder. "How do you want me?" he murmurs.

Die licks his lips again and Kyo makes a soft noise in the back of his throat. "Maybe sit down?" Die suggests. "That might be easiest."

Nodding, Kyo steps away, towards his chair. He keeps his hand interlaced with Die's, tugging him after him. He drops down in his chair. Die sets Kyo's food down on the desk. He turns and kisses Kyo's forehead. Kyo stares up at him. "...That wasn't what I—"

The rest of the words die in Kyo's mouth as Die tugs his hand free from Kyo's to brace both hands on the armrests, and then he climbs into Kyo's lap. Kyo holds his breath, staring as Die settles, warm and solid and _there_. Right there, folded up on top of him, close enough to touch.

"Hi," Die says, his hands moving from the armrests to slide up Kyo's chest, curling along the nape of his neck and up into his hair as he leans in to press their mouths back together.

The kiss starts out sweet and gentle, just like before, but there's a slight hint of desperation lingering beneath the surface now. Die drags his tongue over Kyo's bottom lip before slipping it into Kyo's mouth. Kyo doesn't bother to hold back a low groan at the first brush of Die's tongue against his own.

Heartbeat thumping in his ears, Kyo lets his hands curl around Die's narrow hip bones, pulling Die more firmly against his body. Die's gasp is barely muffled into Kyo's mouth as Kyo surges up into the next kiss, digging his fingertips into Die's hips through his jeans. He sucks at the tip of Die's tongue and Die lets out a soft sound, weak and shivery.

Kyo works his hands up underneath Die's sweater, skimming across his bare skin and digging in with his nails. This earns him a sharp tug of his hair in response, Die tilting Kyo's head back by the grip he has in Kyo's hair to deepen the kiss. Kyo moans, a little startled, and Die's breath hitches again.

Above the wet sounds of their lips as they shift and part and the thundering of his heart in his ears, Kyo can hear Die's shaking breathing and the low hum of his laptop. Die's fingers tremble at the side of Kyo's throat. Kyo wonders if Die can feel the rapid beat of his heart through the fluttering pulse point in his neck.

Die makes a weak noise in the back of his throat, grinding down a bit in Kyo's lap. His blunt nails bite into Kyo's neck and scrape over his scalp, hard enough to sting. Kyo groans again, biting at Die's bottom lip. He tugs on it gently with his teeth, gratified as a shudder rolls down Die's entire body from the top of his head all the way down to the tips of his toes. Die's skin is hot beneath Kyo's hands. Kyo rakes his nails up Die's back and Die moans, high but muffled with Kyo's tongue curling into his mouth.

He breaks the kiss with a desperate gasp for breath. His mouth is pink and slick, eyes heavy-lidded but glimmering. He twists the short strands of Kyo's hair around his fingers. "Did you know," he murmurs, "I've wanted to do this for over twenty years?"

Kyo stares up at him. "That long?" he whispers, his heart pounding in his throat.

The corner of Die's mouth quirks and he ducks his head, his hair falling into his face and grazing Kyo's cheek. "I don't know when it started," he says, his thumb stroking in absent arcs along the back of Kyo's neck. "But it feels like I've wanted to kiss you for about as long as I've known you. Can you even imagine? I never thought I'd tell you that."

"You've got me beat by about twelve years then," Kyo mutters, his hands sliding back down Die's back to grip his ass in palms and squeeze. Die gasps, shaking his hair back out of his face, his back arching to press back into Kyo's hands. His eyes are wide with surprise. Smiling, Kyo tips his head up, kissing along the side of Die's throat. "It's alright, though," he murmurs. "I got here eventually, right?"

"Never thought you would," Die admits, hand lifting from the back of Kyo's neck to cup his cheek instead. He takes a deep breath, his tongue sweeping across his bottom lip. Kyo wants to suck both back into his mouth. "I'm glad you did." He catches his lip between his teeth, shifting in Kyo's lap as he stares down between them.

Kyo tilts his head until he can meet Die's eyes, concerned. "Is everything okay?" he whispers, shifting his hands back to Die's hips. "We don't— I mean, we could talk more if you want. We don't have to keep—"

Die shakes his head, stroking his thumb over Kyo's cheek. "No, I just— I _like_ you," he whispers, tipping forward to press his forehead against Kyo's. "I like you so much, and I— I never thought you'd _ever_ —" His breath hitches and he closes his eyes. Kyo's stomach swoops, his hands tightening around Die's hip bones.

"I like you too," Kyo replies, curling his arms around Die's narrow waist and holding him tight. "Kiss me again," he breathes. "Please."

This time, when they kiss, Die laughs into Kyo's mouth, bright and _happy_. Kyo strokes along Die's back and gets his hands back up underneath his sweater with the intention of pulling it off, only to get distracted by the softness of his skin. He trails his fingers along the width of Die's back, feeling the muscles shift and each bump of his spine. Die shivers, both hands sliding into Kyo's hair to cup the back of his head, and Kyo tries not to let his heart get too carried away with how rapidly it beats in his chest.

"That feels so good," Die whispers between kisses, his bottom lip caught between Kyo's teeth. He surges forward into the next, grinding his hips more insistently in Kyo's lap. Kyo shivers, his nails digging into Die's back briefly before dragging down his skin. "Oh, fuck," Die gasps. "Fuck, _Kyo_ , I love your _mouth_." Kyo chuckles, fond and warm, tipping his head and rubbing his tongue teasingly alongside Die's.

Die reaches down, fitting his palm over Kyo's cock through his jeans. Kyo shudders, spreading his knees apart as much as he can with both of them sharing the same chair, tipping his hips to press up against Die's hand. He lets out a soft moan as Die's hand shifts and moves over him, his cock starting to fill and stiffen up against Die's palm. Die makes a pained noise, bordering on a whimper, rocking down against Kyo and the back of his hand.

His mouth drifts over Kyo's chin, down the front of his throat as he squeezes and rubs at Kyo's cock. He nips at Kyo's neck with sharp teeth and Kyo digs his nails into Die's back with a muttered curse. Kyo expects him to stop there, but he leaves a trail of soft, wet kisses across Kyo's collarbone and down his chest where Kyo's shirt buttons have fallen open.

" _Fuck_ ," Kyo whispers, breathless. He lets out an involuntary whine, his head spinning as he tightens his grip in Die's hair, bucking up to meet each slow grind of Die's hips so hard he almost topples them both over. He's getting harder and harder by the second.

Die sits back up, swooping back in to catch Kyo's lips again, licking into his mouth. A shiver rustles down Kyo's spine, and Die lets out another soft moan. "D'you think these rooms are soundproofed?" he asks.

Kyo gapes at Die, struck dumb for a moment. Die's hand twitches, rubs at his cock a little harder and Kyo rallies. Reaching down, he grabs Die's ass again, squeezing hard and pulling him bodily down to meet his hips as he rocks them upwards. Die makes the most beautiful noise, his head falling back, landing somewhere between a choked-off gasp and a sobbing moan. "There's one way to find out," Kyo whispers.

Nodding, Die presses their mouths back together. Kyo meets him, his mouth eager and hungry. Die's hands slide from Kyo's hair to make steady work of his shirt buttons. Their bodies are warm and steadily growing warmer, almost feverish now. Kyo gasps into Die's mouth at the teasing brush of Die's fingers along his chest and Die grinds down into Kyo's lap again. He's starting to get hard too now, cock pushing against the inseam of his jeans.

Die's teeth graze the tip of Kyo's tongue as he pulls back just enough to tilt his head and kiss down the side of Kyo's neck again. The fluttering press of his lips over Kyo's skin makes Kyo shudder, a groan caught in the back of his throat. Die keeps kissing down and down, following after his fingers as he opens more and more of Kyo's shirt, until he physically can't continue without getting up. Every other inch he glances up to meet Kyo's gaze as if to double-check that Kyo's still interested.

Kyo reaches brushes his fingers through Die's hair, tangling his fingers in the strands. Die keeps unbuttoning Kyo's shirt, kissing and nipping across Kyo's chest and back up towards his throat, dragging his tongue over the tattoos there and biting at him. " _Fuck_ ," Kyo gasps, tipping his head back on the headrest. He feels Die's lips stretch into a smile against his neck for a moment.

Lifting his head, Die leans back in to kiss Kyo as he finishes unbuttoning Kyo's shirt, hands sliding up to push the fabric open further without pushing it off Kyo's shoulders. "Hey," he murmurs. Kyo shivers as Die trails his fingers up and down over his abs, swooping lower and lower towards the waistband of his jeans. "Can I suck your cock?"

"Fuck," Kyo says again, with feeling. "Yeah."

Die laughs. He slides off Kyo's lap, dropping to his knees. At once, Kyo misses his warmth. He stares down at Die with his mouth hanging open. Die's hands slide up Kyo's thighs and he leans in, picking up where he left off and leaving a slow trail of kisses down the centre of Kyo's abdomen, from his solar plexus down to his navel. Kyo tangles his hands in Die's soft hair, tipping his head back with a groan.

"Get it in now," Die murmurs, nuzzling his cheek against Kyo's cock through his jeans. "I'm putting my hair up when I suck you. If you get cum in my hair, I'll be very unhappy."

"I would never do such a thing," Kyo says, hitching his hips up to press his cock more firmly against Die's face. Die tips his head and opens his mouth, laving his tongue over Kyo's cock through the denim. the fabric is thin enough that he can feel the heat of Die's mouth, though the wet of his saliva hasn't soaked through yet. "Ah, fuck," Kyo mutters.

"Is that all you can say?" Die asks teasingly, his gaze flicking up towards Kyo's face.

"Yeah, _fuck_ ," Kyo says again, one hand drifting from Die's hair to cup his jaw, thumbing at his bottom lip. Die's eyes go soft, and he presses a kiss to the pad of Kyo's thumb, rubbing his tongue over it without looking away. "God, you're so fucking beautiful."

Pink colours Die's cheeks, the overhead lighting casting long shadows of his lashes over his cheekbones as he looks down. He sucks at the tip of Kyo's thumb, trailing his hands up and down the insides of Kyo's thighs. "I think you're beautiful, too," he murmurs, almost too softly for Kyo to hear.

As his hands slide back up Kyo's thighs, he keeps going up to grip his hip bones, pulling him to the edge of the chair before fumbling at the fastenings of Kyo's jeans. With one final kiss to Kyo's thumb, he sits back on his heels, tugging an elastic from his wrist, and piles his hair up into a bun at the top of his head. "Alright," he mutters, more to himself than to Kyo.

Kyo bites back a smile. "Cute," he says.

"Shut up," Die replies, leaning forward with his hands braced on Kyo's inner thighs. He pushes Kyo's knees apart, moving in to take the space between them.

Kyo's got a semi pushing against his briefs, a damp patch of precome leaking through the fabric. Die's eyes shoot up to meet Kyo's, a smile turning up the corners of his mouth. Kyo stares back at him, but even hard and a little overwhelmed, he can't help but return the smile.

Die dips his head and sucks at the damp patch, blowing a steady stream of cool air over it. his breath hitches into a warm laugh as Kyo shivers. "Like that?" he asks. Kyo nods as Die leans back in, mouthing at the head of Kyo's cock, tracing the outline of it through his underwear with the tip of his tongue.

It's so much, almost too much, already. Kyo wants nothing more than to plant his feet on the floor for the leverage to push up into Die's mouth. Instead he strokes his thumbs along Die's cheeks. "Don't tease me," he whispers.

Humming, Die runs his mouth along the length of Kyo, soaking through the thinner fabric. The contrast between his warm tongue and the rapid cooling trail of saliva has Kyo's breath catching in his throat. His hands slip down to curl around the nape of Die's neck. He doesn't pull, just rests his hands there, but Die makes an appreciative sound, leaning in closer and rubbing his tongue over his cock. Die nuzzles his lips against the head, leaving firm kisses all along the length of him.

"Fuck, Die," Kyo breathes, leaning back in his chair and stroking along the sides of Die's neck. He feels Die's lips stretch into a smile against the side of his cock, and Kyo feels a bit faint.

Die reaches up, gingerly rolling down the waistband of Kyo's briefs. "Lift your hips," he says, looking up and meeting Kyo's eyes. The corner of his mouth quirks. "Please."

Kyo pushes his hips up, helping Die work the briefs and tight jeans down his thighs and down his legs. Die tugs off his socks as well, his fingertips trailing teasingly along the arches of his feet in ticklish patterns, and Kyo's head falls back with a laugh, his feet twitching. "Fuck off," he says, bumping his heels against Die's thighs.

"Make me," Die replies, spitting into his palm and wrapping his hand around the head of Kyo's cock. Kyo closes his eyes, biting down hard on his bottom lip to stifle a low, drawn-out groan. "God," he breathes. "God, _look_ at you." He sounds almost reverent and Kyo's cheeks go hot. "Has anyone told you that you've got a beautiful cock?"

"I— I don't remember," Kyo replies, shrugging his shoulders. "But thank you." He pushes his hips up to increase Die's pace. Taking the hint, Die works Kyo over until he's hard, thumb of his other hand rubbing over Kyo's balls in a way that has Kyo squirming and gasping, pleasure sparking behind his eyelids. Die lets him go.

Gasping, Kyo's eyes pop open, his hips jerking up to follow Die's touch. Die curls his hands around Kyo's hip bones, forcing him back down onto the chair. His short, blunt nails dig into Kyo's skin hard enough that Kyo's sure he'll find marks there in the morning: Ten identical little half-crescents to remind Kyo that this was real.

It's a sobering thought. They shouldn't be doing this for the first time in a cramped, maybe soundproofed room at the studio. Kyo should take Die out on a date first, should tell him how much he loves him and then bring him home to _show_ him, fucking him sweet and slow in his bed.

Die leans down and runs his tongue over the head of Kyo's cock, before his lips part and all thoughts of being less impulsive flee Kyo's mind at the hot, wet shock of Die's mouth.

Kyo's thighs tremble and Die's grip tightens around Kyo's hips as a warning before he takes Kyo in as deep as he can at once. His mouth is wet and slick and almost too easy, too fast. Kyo feels the hot press of Die's tongue along the underside of his cock and his eyes roll back when the head of his cock hits the back of Die's throat. Without hesitation, Die stretches his jaw and takes it, swallowing around the head and dropping down on Kyo further.

"Oh, _fuck_ , Die," Kyo gasps, forcing his eyes open.

Bobbing a few times, Die keeps letting out these small, sweet little moans muffled around Kyo's cock, before he pulls off to catch his breath. His hand curls around the base of Kyo's cock and he twists his wrist as he drags his tongue up the underside. Kyo's back arches away from the chair as Die sucks at the head, his hand slipping down to rub his thumb over Kyo's balls. Die's teasing him for real now, and Kyo can't bring himself to even care that much when he's making him feel so _good_.

"Die," his voice comes out as little more than a hoarse groan as he writhes on the chair. "Fuck, that feels so good— you gonna show me what you can do with that pretty mouth?"

" _Yeah_ ," Die sighs, pressing a wet kiss to Kyo's belly, just underneath his navel. He takes Kyo's cock back into his mouth, all the way down until the tip of his nose digs into Kyo's skin. He swallows hard, wet and filthy in the quiet, and Kyo swears again, louder, keeps swearing as Die swallows around his cock again and again, before sitting back to breathe.

He turns his face away to cough, tears glimmering at the corners of his eyes. Die keeps his hand wrapped around the base of Kyo's cock, thumb stroking along the underside. When he turns back, he glances up towards Kyo's face and leans back in to press a kiss to the head of Kyo's cock.

Bending forward, Kyo cups Die's cheeks in his hands and kisses his forehead and then his mouth. Die makes a startled noise, his hands coming up to curl around Kyo's wrists, but he moans into the kiss, tipping his head and letting Kyo lick into his mouth. "Fuck," Kyo breathes between kisses. " _Baby_ , you look so good on your knees."

"I'm not done yet," Die says, looking up at Kyo shyly, his lip caught between his teeth. He pushes at Kyo's shoulders until he sits back up. Licking his lips, he leans in to peck another sweet little kiss to the tip of Kyo's cock before taking him back into his mouth, sucking hard and bobbing his head.

Kyo drags each breath into his struggling lungs as Die sinks down further on him. He brushes his fingers along the back of Die's head, careful not to tug at the strands. "That's so good," he breathes, letting his hand slide down to cup the nape of Die's neck, applying the slightest pressure. Die makes an appreciative sound and Kyo pulls him down a little harder on his cock. Die moans, his eyelids fluttering. "Fuck," Kyo breathes. "Fuck, _Die_ —" His voice cracks, his thighs trembling.

As Kyo's groans get louder, Die flicks his tongue along the underside and smiles a little around Kyo's cock. He blinks back tears as he looks up to meet Kyo's gaze and moans, his hands curling around Kyo's hips and pushing himself down further. Kyo's hips buck up and Die takes it, sucking at him hard as he pulls back up, lapping and sucking at the head as Kyo's body moves with him.

"Fuck," Kyo whispers, his balls tightening up against his body already. "Fuck, baby, _baby_ , I'm close—" Pleasure coils low in Kyo's belly. A warning. "Fuck, wait. Die, I'm gonna c—"

Die kneads at Kyo's hip with his hand, sucking Kyo down even harder until Kyo comes down his throat with a moan. His hips jerk, pushing his cock deeper into Die's throat. Die's moan is muffled around Kyo's cock in his mouth, and he swallows, keeping Kyo in his mouth until it's too much and Kyo twitches from the overstimulation.

Pulling back and kissing Kyo's cock one final time, Die sits on his heels. His chest heaves as he catches his breath, his eyes still bright with tears. A mix of cum and spit drips from the corner of his mouth and he stares up into Kyo's eyes as he slowly reaches up to swipe the back of his hand across his chin.

Kyo makes a weak sound, his cock giving a feeble twitch in response, a little more cum dribbling out on his thigh. "Fuck," he gasps, sliding off the edge of the chair. "God, come _here_ ," he says and pushes Die back, bringing their mouths back together to lick into his mouth. He can taste himself on Die's tongue and Die moans, spreading his thighs as Kyo presses up against him. "Why did you let me—?"

"I wanted you to," Die mutters, falling back against the wall and looking up at Kyo, his eyes big, lips swollen and red, a tear rolling down his flushed cheek. "Used to... I used to get off thinking about sucking your cock." He swallows, wets his lips with a swipe of his tongue. "I'd suck on my fingers but it never was enough."

"Oh, _fuck_ ," Kyo whispers, breathless, like it's been punched out of him. He presses up against Die again, cupping his cheek in his hand and kissing him. "What do you want?" Kyo murmurs, trailing his hand down Die's side to press over his cock, hot and hard. "Whatever you want, baby, it's yours."

"You," Die breathes, his lips drifted from Kyo's mouth and moving against his chin. His hips twitch up towards Kyo's hand and he lets out another soft noise, reaching up and untying his hair. It spills down around his shoulders like a golden river. "Fuck, anything, I just—" His voice cracks and he squirms. "I just want _you_ , Kyo, _please—_ touch me—"

Kyo tips his head and kisses him. "I got you," he whispers. "I got you." His fingers fumble at the fastenings of Die's jeans. Die whines into Kyo's mouth, clutching at Kyo's shoulders. Spitting into his palm, Kyo slips his hand under Die's waistband, not surprised to find him hard, but taken off-guard from how _wet_ he is from so little stimulation. Die gasps as Kyo rubs over the wet head of his cock and Kyo laughs, more air than sound. "You're so cute," he murmurs.

The flush in Die's cheeks deepens. He blows a strand of hair out of his face, curling his arms around Kyo's neck. "Stop it," he mutters. The shaft of his cock pulses against Kyo's palm, the velvety smoothness of his skin hot and slick. Kyo squeezes and Die moans, his hips jumping, head falling back.

"So cute," Kyo repeats, kissing Die's cheek. Heat radiates from his skin in waves. Reaching down, he pushes Die's jeans and briefs down and off, his breath catching in his throat at the sight of him. The hem of Die's sweater rides up around his waist. Kyo rubs the tips of his fingers over the head of Die's cock before curling his hand around it and digging his thumb into the slit and watching more precum gather at the tip.

" _Fuck_ ," Die gasps, tipping his head forward to watch. He licks his lips, hips lifting up off the floor as Kyo drags his palm down the sensitive underside of his cock. "Please, _please—_ "

"Shh, I'll take care of you," Kyo whispers, tipping his head and kissing along the side of Die's neck. He smiles as Die's breath catches in the back of his throat. "Can't believe you said my cock was pretty, look at you," he murmurs, nipping at Die's neck and letting his fingertips graze over Die's balls. Die's thighs fall apart even further, splaying wide and easy, pushing up towards Kyo's hand. "Yeah, let me see you."

Die makes a choked off little moan in the back of his throat and fondness wells up in Kyo so quickly he has to press their mouths back together and kiss him. " _Baby_ ," he sighs. He wraps his hand more firmly around Die's cock, stroking him harder. Die cries out, his hands digging into Kyo's back.

God, he's so beautiful like this. The flush in his cheeks has spread down his throat, disappearing beneath the collar of his sweater, his skin just starting to glisten with sweat at his temples. His cock is hard and pulses against Kyo's palm, flushed a similar colour as his cheeks and so, so slick.

Kyo brushes his free hand through Die's hair, leaning forward to press their mouths together in a sweet kiss. Die's hands tighten in the back of Kyo's shirt, keeping him close. He lets go of Die's cock and it slaps wetly against Die's belly. Die tenses up, his eyes clenched shut tight, breath shaky.

"You like my hand on your pretty cock, huh?" Kyo whispers. "Look at me."

Die swallows hard and licks his lips, staring up into Kyo's eyes despite the flush deepening in his cheeks. His mouth falls open on a gasp, back arching up off the wall. "Please, I need you," he gasps. His eyes almost seem to glow in the low light of the room, warm and wanting. " _Kyo_."

Kyo's heart does a little tumble in his chest. God, now that he's gotten a taste of it, he doesn't _ever_ want to let him go. He curls his hand back around Die's cock and Die moans. His eyelids flutter but he blinks hard, shaking his head, widening his eyes so he can meet Kyo's gaze. Die pushes his hips up into Kyo's twisting grasp with a loud moan.

"Fuck." Kyo leans in to kiss Die, trails kisses across his cheek to mouth at his ear. "I want you to cum for me," he breathes. Die clutches tighter to Kyo's shoulders, thighs splaying apart even further and pressing up into Kyo's hand. "I bet you're so pretty when you cum, baby." Die makes a weak, whimpering little sound, his nails digging into Kyo's skin even through the fabric of his shirt.

"I want to see it," Kyo continues. "I want to know it's because of me." His teeth catch on Die's earlobe and Die moans again, louder, high and desperate, his cock twitching in Kyo's hand. He strokes Die faster, tightening his grip and twisting his wrist roughly.

Die rolls his hips into Kyo's grasp as much as he can with Kyo's weight pinning him against the wall. He buries his face in the crook of Kyo's shoulder. Kyo can feel the heat of Die's panting breaths puffing over at his bared skin where his shirt is still hanging open. Die mouths at Kyo's collarbone, biting into him to muffle his moans.

"Kyo," he gasps. "Kyo, I'm— please, please," his voice hitches and breaks as he draws closer to the edge.

"Cum for me, baby," Kyo whispers. His pace increases until Die suddenly stiffens up underneath him, motionless but for the sink of his teeth into Kyo's shoulder. Kyo hisses out a pained groan, twisting his wrist as he strokes Die off.

Die doesn't make a sound or breathe for a handful of seconds before he gives a twitch as cum starts to spill down the side of his cock, his voice breaking on a moan of Kyo's name. Die keeps his eyes clenched shut, his mouth open and wet as he gasps for breath, letting out a broken moan as Kyo tips his head down and kisses his neck, his mouth. Kyo gentles Die through it as he comes back down with a whine muffled into Kyo's mouth.

Die relaxes against the wall beneath Kyo leaning against him and sighs, nuzzling in close. He seems reluctant to move. Kyo keeps stroking his cock, milking out the last of it, and rubs over the head until Die flinches away, squirming and moaning into Kyo's mouth. "Fuck," Die gasps. "F—fuck you, _stop—_ I'm _sensitive_ , you bastard—"

Kyo huffs a laugh, trailing kisses along Die's jaw, neck, wherever he can reach. "God, you're beautiful," he whispers. "Hey." He kisses Die's forehead, firm and lingering. "You're so good. That was so good."

"Shut up," Die mutters, shoving at Kyo's shoulder. Before Kyo can move too far away, though, he clenches both hands in the open halves of Kyo's shirt and tugs him back in for another kiss. It's slow and gentle, tongues sliding slick against each other. He hums into Kyo's mouth, his legs curling up around Kyo's hips, and Kyo loses himself in it for a few minutes, at least.

Kyo keeps his hand around the base of Die's cock, feeling him starting to soften into the loose curl of his fingers. _Fuck_ , he thinks dazedly. _That's so hot_.

Die pulls back from the kiss with a weak noise, keeping his arms tight around Kyo's shoulders to rest their foreheads together, his eyes closed. "Do you have anything to clean up with?" he asks.

"Tissue," Kyo says, shrugging. After a moment, Die sighs and releases Kyo, licking his lips and sitting up against the wall, drawing his knees up to his chest. Kyo rises up on his knees, making his way over to the desk. He swipes the box of tissues, taking a few to clean the sticky, drying cum off his fingers and passing the box over to Die. Die snickers, cleaning himself up as best he can.

Silence falls between them as Kyo starts to pull his clothes back on. Kyo leaves his jeans undone but drops back against the wall beside Die, bumping their shoulders together as he starts buttoning up his shirt. Die bumps him back, but he makes no other movements. His arms drape over his bare knees, his eyes heavy-lidded.

"Everything okay?" Kyo asks, after a pause.

"No," Die replies, soft. "Just thinking." He curls his knees a little tighter to his chest and rests his chin on his crossed forearms. "Like... I don't know, I'll be whatever you're comfortable with," he murmurs. "I'm easy, you know me." He huffs a laugh but it goes off at the end, edging closer to something uncomfortably like a sob, and his shoulders hunch up a little. "You know, just a one-time thing, or an occasional fuck, or just friends... Or maybe... more than that..."

Kyo swallows. "What do you want?" he asks.

Die glances over at Kyo, his eyes shiny through the fall of his hair. He sniffs and ducks his head away. "More than that," he confesses, almost too quietly for Kyo to hear.

"That's what I want, too," Kyo says. He reaches up, tugging on a strand of Die's hair before tucking it back behind his ear so he can see Die's face. Die looks over at Kyo again, a bit uncertain, his eyes still over-bright. His lip wobbles and he catches it between his teeth. "I want you, Die, whatever way you want me back."

Die ducks his head, scrubbing his face with his hands. "Yeah?" he asks, a bit nasal and muffled in his palms. Kyo tugs on another strand of Die's hair and Die huffs a laugh — a _proper_ laugh this time, bright and hopeful. He swats Kyo's hand away from his hair. "We can try, then," he says.

"Fuck yeah, we will," Kyo says, grinning as that startles another laugh out of Die. He curls a strand of Die's hair around his finger. "Come here," he says, and Die comes, letting Kyo pull him up against him. "I'm taking you out for dinner," Kyo murmurs between kisses and Die's hitching laughter. "I'm taking you out for dinner, and then I'm taking you home with me. Just so you know, neither of us are going to make it into the studio tomorrow or over the weekend, so finish up whatever you need to get done today."

"Okay," Die says, smiling. His breath hitches as Kyo reaches down between them, gets a hand up between his legs and brushes his fingertips over his hole. " _Fuck_ ," he whimpers, his hips jerking towards Kyo's hand almost involuntarily, his hands clenching in the back of Kyo's shirt. " _Kyo_ , please—"

"I don't have anything here," Kyo murmurs, regretful. "You'll have to wait until I take you home."

"Ah, fuck," Die sighs, tipping his head up and kissing Kyo again. "I've waited twenty years for this... I guess a couple more hours won't kill me."

Kyo huffs a laugh, cupping Die's cheek in his other hand and kissing him again and rubbing over his hole. "I'll make it worth the wait."

Die makes another weak sound, squirming. "God, I don't doubt it," he mutters. "Stop it, stop touching me," he adds, pushing at Kyo's hands and backing up until he hits the wall again. Laughing, he covers his face with his hands. "Grab my pants, otherwise I won't be held responsible for my actions."

"Oh?" Kyo says, picking up the bundle of Die's jeans and underwear from where he'd carelessly tossed them earlier. "You could go again right now? Really?"

"Shut up," Die says.

Kyo can see Die's cheeks flushing even from behind the shield of his hands covering his face. He laughs, passing over the jeans. "That's so fucking hot," he says. "We're going to have so much fun with that."

"Oh my _god_ ," Die mutters, wiggling back into his clothes. "I'm getting out of here—"

"Not yet, not yet," Kyo says, reaching out and snagging Die around the waist before he can get to his feet. "Hey," he murmurs, cupping Die's cheek in his hand. Die stills, a hint of a smile turning up the corner of his mouth. Leaning up, Kyo kisses the mole beneath Die's eye. Die sighs, his arms curling around Kyo's neck. Kyo tips his head, kissing the mole on Die's cheek, and then his mouth. Die melts into it, melts against Kyo with a happy little hum. Kyo smiles at him. "I love you," he says.

Die's eyes go wide and he ducks his head in Kyo's shoulder, but not before Kyo can see the bright, beaming smile stretching across his face. "Say it again," he whispers.

The corners of Kyo's kiss-swollen lips quirk. He strokes his hands up underneath Die's sweater, smoothing his hands over the soft, smooth skin of Die's waist. "I love you."

"Again," Die breathes, lifting his head. He holds himself frustratingly just out of kissing distance.

"I love you," Kyo says again. "Fuck, Die. I love you so much. I'd tell the whole world if I could." He leans closer to kiss Die, kiss him all over and whisper it into his skin until every inch of him knows it, but

Die jerks back out of his reach. Kyo digs his nails into Die's skin and Die grins. "I should've known you'd be such a romantic," he murmurs. Still smiling, he finally leans back in to press their lips back together and Kyo groans into the kiss, pressing up against him. Die lets out a helpless little noise, his hand sliding up into Kyo's hair at the back of his head. "I love you, too," he breathes. "If you were wondering."

"I was," Kyo murmurs, kissing Die again, and again, and again. Die shivers, brushing his fingers through Kyo's hair. "I love you."

Kyo's phone, abandoned on the desk, gives a sudden loud beep, a bright chime announcing a new message. Then, in rapid succession, another five beeps. Kyo's phone vibrates across the desk and falls off the edge.

Die jumps, turning his head to look at the phone on the floor behind him. "Um," he says. "Do... you want me to get that?"

"Yeah," Kyo says, sighing and releasing his hold on Die, watching as he leans back and scoops up the phone. _Back to the real world._ As Die picks up the phone, the screen lights up again with another two message notifications, buzzing and chirping in his palm.

Kyo's never seen Die's face change colour so quickly, as the pleasant post-sex afterglow washes out. Die's eyes go wide, a look of pure horror crossing his features. Kyo's gut swoops. Did someone get hurt? Was there an emergency?

"Die?" he asks hesitantly. God, does he even _want_ to know? "What— what happened?" he tries, when Die remains unresponsive. _Ah, fuck it._ Kyo wrestles his phone from Die's grip and Die collapses forward against Kyo's chest with a low groan. Frowning, Kyo looks at the screen:

>   
>  **Kaoru:** Kyo  
>  **Kaoru:** KYO  
>  **Kaoru:** you fuckers  
>  **Kaoru:** I swear to fucking god  
>  **Kaoru:** I lost the will to live an hour ago  
>  **Kaoru:** PLEASE stop fucking, these rooms are NOT soundproofed  
>    
>    
>  **Toshiya:** 🍆😱  
>  **Shinya:** _www_

Kyo stares... and snorts with faint amusement. He claps his hand over his mouth as if he could somehow force the sound back into his throat. Die lifts his head, glaring at Kyo, his cheeks a vibrant pink. "What?" Kyo asks innocently, letting his hand drop and locking his phone screen. "Now I guess we know." Die's glare intensifies along with his blush. Kyo's heart thumps a little faster in his chest. _God_ , he's cute. "Come on, it's kind of funny, baby—"

"Don't you fucking _dare_ 'baby' me right now, you _fucker_ —" Die scrambles to his feet, making his way over to the door.

Shaking his head with another little laugh, Kyo gets up after him as Die tugs the door open, reaching out before he can step through and slip away. "Hey," he says, stepping close and hugging Die from behind. "I would like to remind you that fooling around in here was _your_ idea," he begins. Die scoffs, but he lets Kyo snuggle up against his back without fighting his way free from his grasp. "I talked to everyone before I came to find you, anyway, I doubt any of them are actually surprised about any of this."

Die goes still and soft, his hand coming up to cover Kyo's, still curled around his waist. "You told everyone?"

"Yeah," Kyo mutters, nuzzling his forehead between Die's shoulder blades, his cheeks warm. "I wanted to make sure it was the right thing to do." Die laces their fingers together, and Kyo smiles. "I really love you," he says again, helplessly.

"I love you too," Die murmurs. He turns in Kyo's arms, ducking down to kiss him again. "And I'm going now before we embarrass everyone else, but especially _me_ , any more."

"Oh, come on," Kyo snickers into Die's mouth. "Kaoru deserves it."

"Fuck off, no he doesn't," Die laughs, pulling back at last. Kyo lets him go. "A couple hours?" he asks.

Kyo smiles, ducking his head. "A couple hours," he confirms.

**Author's Note:**

> (Kaoru can't quite look either of them in the eye for a few days afterwards, which makes Kyo CACKLE FOR D A Y S and Die's super embarrassed about it because _he_ was the one that got really loud 
> 
> (For the record, Kyo figures out many other ways to make Die get even louder during those days off together. Ahem.)
> 
> THE END!!!!!!!!!)
> 
> hiiiii


End file.
